A story in Colorado this week touched a nerve for me. A mom of a 3-year-old and 5-year-old bought a gun, pulled her two children out of school early, and took them to an abandoned parking lot and shot them and then killed herself.
In talking about this tragedy with several moms in my son’s preschool class, one message rang clear – our children don’t have to be babies for moms to be depressed. In fact, for many moms, no matter the age or how many children involved, we know that it depends on us to make sure the household is functioning properly. There are days where the pressure is great, and anxiety, sadness and stress can be overwhelming.
In fact, when you are a mom who uses measuring tools to guide success, we know that’s not possible in being a parent or a wife. With a job we win awards, earn promotions or get a raise. In taking care of our children there is no way of knowing if we are successful. Will therapy help my 11-year-old, will my toddler be okay even if he doesn’t quite know how to say the ABCs yet? We question, we worry, we stress. It is never ending.
As wives, it’s the same scenario. Are we enough to continue to make him happy? Are the children taking too much of your time? Is there something I could be doing better?
There are no promotions, rewards or raises. We as moms constantly worry and question ourselves.
Like many moms, I too wondered how far past depression this mom in Colorado must have been to do such an unspeakable thing.
For most moms, they would never hurt their children or even themselves, but feeling like they are alone in this world is common. There’s plenty of talk these days about postpartum depression, but where is a true conversation about all moms and depression? Given the stigma that comes with admitting your mind isn’t quite right, I ask is society creating these tragedies?
I understand what it feels like to be depressed. I struggled during pregnancy and for a short time afterwards. I felt alone for many days and nights and didn’t really tell anyone how I was feeling. However, because I had a new baby, the doctor asked questions and gave me a test.
It took me about 8 weeks after the baby was born to finally go in for the required 6-week checkup. During the checkup, they handed me this piece of paper, asking questions about how much I smile, laugh and how I felt in general. It was a test I knew I would fail. I almost considered lying just to avoid the awkward conversation.
At the end of the day, I have no reason to be ashamed, but given that I was one point away from being labeled with severe depression, I was ashamed. For me, it felt as though I let myself down, and in turn, that meant letting my children and family down. Society has told me this is not okay. Society puts the pressure on moms that we have to be perfect, and we can’t be human.
I didn’t need the test to tell me I was depressed. I knew I was. But, let’s look at reality. I am sure my husband knew, but did we have open conversations about it? NO! Even if he brought it up, I’m not sure I would have talked openly. For my husband, the stress of what would happen if he did bring it up must have been tremendous. So, I think he left the topic alone as much as possible.
Moms are human. We work hard. We want to be perfect. Today’s mom wants to rule the corporate world and be the perfect amount of loving and supportive at home. What we don’t want to be is vulnerable. We don’t want the blues to slow us down. So, what do most of us do? We push those blues aside. We carry on with our daily lives. We make the lunches, cook dinners, attend school functions, plan every minute around our children and then we collapse at night with our own thoughts.
For any moms out there who have those sad days, who do find themselves suffering silently, I say stop doing it alone. Reach out to a girlfriend, do like me and call mom every day. Don’t think there is anything to be ashamed of. Reach out to other moms at your children’s schools. You might just be surprised at how many moms will truly understand how you are feeling.
To women out there – If you think a friend, fellow mom at school or work is in trouble, be proactive in trying to be their friend, making them realize they are not alone and we are all in this together.
There are hotlines and resources to also help beyond family and friends. If you are a mom in need, visit womenshealth.gov.
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